It’s Time To Talk About Setting Boundaries

At what point does a person’s undesirable behavior become inexcusable? When the explanation of, “She’s just passionate,” “That’s just the way he is,” or “She doesn’t know any better” gets old, when do we hold those people accountable for their behavior?

When do we set the boundaries we need to set to get and stay well in our interpersonal relationships? When they’ve embarrassed us? Shamed us? Humiliated us? We often allow the undesirable behavior of others to intrude into and become part of our own lives. Sometimes we ignore it, minimize it, or deny it...but it is still there directly impacting our lives.

What makes us draw the line? To act rather than react? To say “you are not allowed to hurt me or bully me or shame me or guilt me or make me feel crazy anymore!” Setting boundaries can be very difficult, especially if we have been locked in a maladaptive behavior pattern with the other person.

The most exasperating thing is there are adults we deal with daily who act out like angry toddlers. They yell, stomp, slam, throw things, cry, or make threats to get their way. These folk have learned that they get what they want when they behave this way. The rest of us are left in the wake of their tirade, wondering what happened.

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with others is like building a fence to protect yourself while continuously monitoring for and mending weak spots. Setting boundaries looks something like this: “I do not like (the behavior). If you continue (the behavior), I will (your response). For example, “It frightens me when you slam the door. If you continue to slam the door, I will ask you to leave.” Follow through and expect the offending party to test the boundaries asserted in the past for weak areas.

You must decide whether you will follow through with the boundary you set. Do you allow the behavior to continue? Do you allow little breaches that eventually become gaping holes? Or do you continue to reinforce those boundaries until the other person learns that you will not be moved?

When setting and maintaining personal boundaries, remember you are human and you are setting boundaries with other humans. Expect to be tested, and know you must follow through or the undesirable behavior will continue.

Setting healthy boundaries will free you from accepting responsibility for or tolerating someone else’s undesirable behavior. I encourage you to practice setting and reinforcing boundaries. Setting boundaries becomes easier and feels more natural with time and practice.

For more information or support as it pertains to setting and maintaining boundaries and taking care of yourself, search Adult Child of Alcoholics (ACA) https:// adultchildren.org/ or Codependent’s Anonymous (CoDA) https:// coda.org/ . Also, Melody Beattie’s book “Co-Dependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself” is an amazing resource for those who are not familiar with codependency and enabling behavior.

Sarah knows a thing or two about addiction and recovery. Daughter, sister, and friend to many wonderful people who have battled substance use disorder, codependency, and mental health stigma. Survivor. Advocate for those who are not yet ready to fight alone.