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By Shalene White
It is already extremely difficult for a person to leave an abusive relationship. Many of the reasons cited for not leaving are fear, normalizing the abuse, embarrassment, shame, low self-esteem, cultural/religious reasons, lack of money or resources, disability and feeling love for the partner, even though they are abusive.
Whatever the reasons for staying, it is almost always a difficult task packing up and leaving everything the person knows as a stable environment. Even though they are in an abusive situation, some do not have a work history, making it difficult to support themselves. Many times, the abuser prefers their victim to not work and be dependent on them.
What could possibly make it more difficult for a victim to leave their abuser? How about a lockdown from the COVID-19 pandemic? One of the main elements that an abuser uses to manipulate his victim is isolation. Many abusers manipulate their victims into pushing away family members, typically saying things like “you can have friends and family, or you can have me.”
Often times, the isolation is not only emotional. It can be physical, as well. Some manipulators move their victims to isolated places and even use their young children as types of hostages – not letting the child leave with the victim or threatening harm to the child if the victim leaves. Many victims will keep themselves in harm’s way to protect their children.
It does not matter if the isolation is physical or emotional, it is magnified a million times by the pandemic lockdown. Many places that offer assistance are either closed or opened minimal hours.
The lockdown made the window for victims to find assistance leaving the abusive situation grow exceptionally smaller. Many times when a victim decides to call a crisis hotline for help, it is when the perpetrator has left the home. Unfortunately, with the pandemic, many people are stuck at home, leaving no opportunity for the victim to even attempt to open that proverbial window.
Shelley Battles-Reichle, the Executive Director of the Ada Family Crisis Center said in an interview that the rules for the shelter forced by the pandemic is not much different from the rigid rules demanded by the victim’s abuser.
“They came from one restrictive environment where a batterer was … controlling them,” Battles-Reichle said. “Unfortunately to keep everyone safe, we were implementing some policies that were similar.”
The sad part is oftentimes, if the victim cannot find a way to leave, their life is in danger. Add the inability for the abuser to leave an already tense situation, and the circumstance can turn from dire to deadly.
On September 1, James Webb from Dallas allegedly shot and killed his wife and two teenage sons. He told officers that he was “tired of their arguing,” and shot them because they were giving him a headache.
A woman named Elizabeth Vance in Willis, Texas was shot and killed on September 3 by her on again/off again husband. The victim’s sister, Kelly Rousch, said Vance tried ending the relationship with her husband, Austin Vance. His alleged response was shooting and killing her.
Tawny King, a woman in Oklahoma City was killed by her domestic partner on September 3. His name is not being released at this time. Unfortunately, countless times domestic violence turns deadly, and it is increasing along with the lockdown.
Sometimes, a victim is able to escape the situation, but desperation forces them to tuck their tail and go back to their abuser. Lisa – who does not want to give her last name due to safety reasons – was one of those women. She was caught in an endless cycle of abuse.
She would get the nerve to finally leave her abusive husband but find herself unable to make ends meet alone. She would end up accepting the many phone calls from her husband, and finally give in to his pleas for her to come home. Promising to change, she would reluctantly go back. For a week or two, things would be nice. Then, bam, out of nowhere, he would change back. Maybe she cooked sweet peas for dinner, instead of carrots. Maybe she cooked exactly what he asked her to cook. It would not matter something would trigger him and he would get violent. Always going one step further in hurting her than the time before.
Even though the terms natural disaster and luck do not belong in the same sentence, it is more than likely what saved Lisa’s life.
On August 24, 2020, Hurricane Laura made landfall, destroying much of Lisa’s hometown. Previously to that, an evacuation order was mandated. Many people chose to stay, thinking the hurricane would not be a big one. Lisa’s husband was one of those, and she was content staying, as well.
Once Hurricane Laura upgraded from a Category 1 to a Category 4 hurricane in a span of a few hours, Lisa changed her mind. She requested that she and her husband evacuate and he refused. Fearing for her life in more ways than one, Lisa evacuated with a few friends.
The positive thing to the evacuation, was it just what Lisa needed to get out of her abusive relationship. She was able to think and contemplate things without him in her head. Then, she realized she can do it without him. She is currently trying to put her life back together with the help of her family and friends.
The Women and Children’s Crisis Center and Shelter – Action Associates located in Clinton, Okla. offer many resources for domestic violence victims.
Emergency Shelter: When the victim calls the number at (580) 323-2604, and tells the agent their need, the agent springs into action. The agent accesses the need and contacts one of the directors to garner the bed availability, then finds a spot for the victim.
Advocacy: The center is the victim’s advocate in many facets. They assist with transportation. If the victim is staying at the shelter, the center will find them rides to and from work. The center will assist in applying for food stamps.
Counseling, Support and Advocacy: Domestic violence, and self-esteem classes, and job-hunting assistance. The center assists the victims in learning/relearning independence.
Court Advocacy: Safety planning, Victim Protective Order (“VPO”) assistance, court support and referrals to victims of domestic violence, sexual assault and stalking. The Victim Advocate accompanies victims to court when appropriate.
Children's Services: The center assists with childcare and any DHS issues.
Anotonia Lozano, the Assistant Director of ACTION Associates, said there has been an increase in the need for resources since the pandemic.
“There have definitely been more calls and more issues,” Lozano said.
The difficulty is that due to COVID, the center was forced to decrease the amount of available beds. Typically, the center has 16 beds, but to be able to adhere to social distancing, the center had to decrease the number to 12.
Most shelters have a 30-day cap on days for the victims to be able to stay. However, the Women and Children’s Crisis Center and Shelter – ACTION Associates is a progress-based shelter.
“We don’t believe that a victim can save enough money for a car and a place to live in just 30 days,” Lozano said.
As long as the victim is progressing and working to improve themselves, the center will continue to help.