Sometimes I forget to take care of myself. Sometimes I push myself too hard for far too long.
I do not have a logical reason for doing this but assume this behavior comes from a combination of my upbringing, a genuine desire to be of service and our cultural values in general.
I consider sleeping in “waking at 7:30 a.m.” on weekends and holidays. I feel a strong push to be productive – have something to show for each day – and when I am unproductive I feel bad. I thought about this and wondered why I am programmed to be productive. I recognize that when I was a child, I received the most praise for working hard. I have come to see now that I am more than what I do or accomplish each day. I am more than the load of dishes nicely washed, the laundry folded and put away, the documents I produce and distribute at work, a column I contribute to the local paper, or the favor I do for a friend. I am more than phone calls, bills paid, chores done, and errands ran. I am more than the roles I play as mother, daughter, friend, significant other, community member, and employee.
This year, with its pandemic and the fear and grief, has taught me that it is my job to take care of me. Having a couple of close calls with virus exposures, having to roll with change at work due to COVID-19, ongoing health problems, and losing several people that I love this year has shown me one thing very clearly: I can be the most productive person in the world and still die, as numerous other good people have, due to this pandemic.
The worst can happen and I’m not sure I can truly say I’ve stopped being productive long enough to actually live. I have searched most of my adult life for that extrinsic reward when what really matters is the intrinsic reward: Do I like the life I have built? Do I like who I have become? Answering those questions honestly and affirmatively are the reward, and seeing that happiness, as they say in recovery, is an inside job.
It is my job to truly be alive while I live. It is my job to love my people, take care of my health, and to keep going, even if that means being less productive. I can slow down and enjoy a beautiful day. I can take a vacation, or spend time with those I love by calling, writing, texting, or visiting when it is safe to do so. I can do things that I enjoy, like reading, cooking new things, painting, walking, and even taking a nap on occasion. I can do these things and not feel guilt for not being productive.
I am more than what I do, and so are you.
Sarah Mears-Ivy brings 12 years of experience in the field of human sciences and advocacy.