It’s Time To Talk About

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Enabling Behaviors

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I’ve had a lot of phone calls from loved ones. Some are mothers, wanting to pay their darling boy’s fees. Some are significant others, wanting to tell me information about their partner, hoping to control their partner’s behavior by having someone who is seen as having a position of power “know things” about them. Some are bosses, wanting a guarantee that their worker will be sober in the future. One time even, I received a phone call from a child, wanting to schedule an appointment for a parent because the parent would not make the call.

42 CFR part 2 and HIPPA forbids exchanging information without explicit consent for release of information. I do not share information, even though I no longer work as a treatment provider. I do, however, listen to those callers. What I hear is stories of chaos, sadness, attempts to control, and powerlessness. Yes, often times loving someone with a mental health or substance use disorder can make us as unwell as the person with the substance use disorder.

I am no stranger to this enabling behavior. Trying to control and help a loved one who is living in addiction is heart-wrenching. Paying the addict’s bills so they won’t go without power, a vehicle, or a home. Calling in sick to their employer, hoping the addict won’t lose another job. Making excuses to friends about why there is another hole in the wall, or why the loved one isn’t available to visit. Paying for groceries so the children can eat. Keeping those children while the addict disappears for days on end. Continuously giving or lending money. These are all examples of enabling behavior.

Who is an enabler? As mentioned, it could be a parent, a significant other, a sibling, a friend, or even a child. Sometimes I will ask, “Who is the one person in your life that consistently says yes?” The person identified is often the primary enabler.

Often, this behavior begins as an act of true concern and caring, and then later becomes a new “normal” for the person who is doing the enabling (sometimes called the co-addict or the co-dependent). Enabling behavior allows the addict to become sicker. This behavior comes from a desire to demonstrate love and care, but it cushions the addict, which allows them to continue in their addiction longer than if that behavior were withheld.

Loving an addict is difficult. Loving an addict is painful. Loving yourself first, setting healthy boundaries, and maintaining those boundaries with the addict may just pay off. I have told many mothers and wives that there is such a thing as loving their addict to death. This is by no means a new concept, but often is not very well received. What this adage “loving someone to death” means is when we continue the enabling behavior, the addict is allowed to become so immersed in their disease that they may die. Ending enabling behavior allows for some control, sanity, and health for the enabler and allows for discomfort and hopefully motivation to change for the addict.

Al-Anon, Co-Dependents Anonymous, and Adult Children of Alcoholics are selfhelp groups that are good resources for enablers. Finding a therapist and learning how to take care of oneself while asserting good boundaries is also a healthy way to overcome enabling behavior. Some have found help in church, others in a circle of friends. What I’m saying is there is no wrong way to unlearn enabling behavior. Recognizing it, realizing what you can do to change it, and setting those boundaries will undoubtedly make you feel better and may even motivate the addict to do some changing themselves.

Keep reaching out, mothers, significant others, siblings, children, and friends. You can be well even if that person you love is unwell.

This is an ongoing series by Sarah Mears-Ivy regarding substance use disorders and the social and legal issues stemming from them. Sarah knows a thing or two about addiction and recovery. Daughter, sister, and friend to many wonderful people who have battled substance use disorder, codependency, and mental health stigma. Survivor. Advocate for those who are not yet ready to fight alone.