Forgiveness may be the hardest thing we will ever have to do. If someone has hurt us, whether physically, verbally, financially, or emotionally, our natural response is to store that pain in our memory. We may hold onto it forever as a grudge against the person who hurt us. This may be just as true if the offence was committed against someone we love. Perhaps we want to get back at the offender (revenge) or to break off our relationship. Almost never do we want to forgive and forget. To reply to a slap in the face by turning the other cheek—that is hard.
We all know what it is like to be offended by someone. We also know what it is to be the offender. Hurting others is a disease which affects every person and every relationship. I still recall the time when a friend to whom I was talking turned away from me to talk to someone else. This minor rudeness happened 50 years ago— and I still remember it today. Grudges are long lasting! But what bothers me more than the times people have offended me are the numerous times I have offended others. I shudder to think of how many times my insensitivity has hurt my relationships with family, friends, and strangers. Such offenses can destroy marriages, families, communities, nations, and churches. And they can destroy our walk with God. Being offended is the disease; forgiveness is the cure.
Lewis Smedes, in his book “Forgive and Forget,” defined the reason that forgiveness is so hard is because the feelings of “hurt” become feelings of “hate.” Hate happens when the hurt is seen as unfair and as intentional: If a baby pees on my lap, I don’t feel hurt and I don’t blame the baby. But if an older person insults me, or a friend betrays me, or anyone falsely accuses me, I feel pain and I blame them. If it happens again and again, the hurt turns into hate.
Sometimes we can avoid hurt turning to hate by minimizing the offence. Perhaps it was an accident. Perhaps it was a minor issue. Perhaps the person apologized. I may be able to say honestly, “It’s okay. No big deal,” and we both move on. But minimizing the offence may not be the best response. if I consider the insult to be unfair, dishonest, thoughtless, or a blatant personal attack, I may want to hurt them back (retribution). I allow my hurt to turn into hate. Our relationship is damaged, maybe destroyed. If what someone did to hurt us was wrong, we should call it wrong, because if there was no wrong done then there is nothing to forgive. We can only forgive if we acknowledge the wrong as wrong.
But forgiveness is possible; it is a choice we make. For forgiveness to happen we need to let go of the hatred, the desire to hurt back, the decision to break off the relationship. How do we do this? Smedes says we can reverse the hatred by wishing the other person well. We reply to the bad deed with a good deed. And then slowly forgiveness becomes forgetting and hate ends.
But why choose to forgive? First of all, forgiveness is mutual. we are all sinners. Today I was sinned against, but often I have sinned against others. Even more often I have sinned against God and need his forgiveness. Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God has forgiven you in Christ.” (Ephesians 4:32).
A second reason to forgive is to recognize that this is the only path forward. Many people seek revenge for the wrongs done to them. They quote the Old Testament verse: “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” (Exodus 21:24; Actually this verse is not a requirement, it is a limitation. It means that punishment cannot exceed the crime.) Many writers have said that the path forward based on that verse is a world in which everyone is blind and toothless! The path of revenge and retribution is a path in which evil wins. Retribution is groveling in the past. Forgiveness is building a new relationship that leads to a better future. The book of Romans tells us, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you be heaping fiery coals on his head. Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good” (Romans 12 20-21). That is the path forward.
A third reason to forgive is that the grudges we carry hurt us more than they hurt the other person. People often refuse to forgive because they think it lets the other person off the hook, but in reality forgiveness lets the forgiver off the hook. In the book of Hebrews we are told that we should pursue peace with everyone… or a root of bitterness will spring up and defile us (Hebrews 12:14-15). Forgiving others gets rid of the bitterness in ourselves. Lewis Smedes wrote, to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you!
Next week we will tell some powerful stories of forgiveness.
Greg Giles is a published author, who, along with his wife Jean, has embraced the call to serve and teach around the globe. Their life together has included missionary work in Liberia, Bangladesh, teaching in China, and raising a family in Bemidji, Minnesota. Between global travels and local commitments, including serving as superintendent of Corn Bible Academy and their current part-time roles at Corn Heritage Village, the Gileses have found “home” in many places; yet, they now happily reside in retirement in Cordell. Please visit his website at reflections-on-wisdom.com.