People who grew up in dysfunction learn coping mechanisms that do not serve them well later in life. Folks may be fearful of saying no, of setting and maintaining boundaries with others, may avoid answering when asked for their opinions, and may avoid speaking their real thoughts and feelings.
These are learned behaviors. Children learn not to speak up, not to trust, and not to feel from being raised in a home that is not safe, that adults are not to be trusted, and that having feelings puts them at risk of being berated or otherwise punished.
Unfortunately, as those children grow into adulthood, they often do not unlearn those behaviors that saved them from feeling pain, rejection, and fear as a child.
The same behavior they used to avoid conflict at home becomes a source of conflict in adulthood: "Why can't you just say what you want?" and "We want your opinion!" and "Make up your mind, already!" become statements repeated to this adult that learned as a child not to directly speak what they wanted in fear of retaliation or punishment.
Here is the good news: learned behavior can be unlearned. The things children of dysfunction learned in order to protect themselves no longer help them in adulthood.
We can learn to be more assertive, more decisive, and more able to trust others. Therapy can help as well as learning to assertively define what we want and need--we can learn about our experiences as a child and reconciling them with who we are as adults.
Setting boundaries is a starting point in learning to communicate with others. Boundaries illustrate to others how we will and will not be treated. There is a saying in recovery: "What you allow is what will continue." This means if others see us being treated poorly or disrespectfully, odds are that behavior will continue until we speak up for ourselves. When setting boundaries, it is important to say what you mean and mean what you say. For example, say "When you shout, if feel frightened. I would prefer it if you would speak calmly rather than shouting. If you continue to shout at me, I will end the conversation and leave."
This works better than saying, "You shout too much!" or "I don't like this!" or "You're mean!" Be firm, repeat if necessary, but mean it and follow through.
Once the boundary has been delivered, it is important not to apologize about setting the boundary or give in to the other person by letting them violate the boundary--boundaries are meant to be enforced!
Follow through with the response you set out when you set your boundary. Repeat the boundary. If the person cares about you, they will respect a reasonably defined and enforced boundary.
Why do I bring this up now? I bring it up because I know how scary it is to set boundaries with others if you rarely do so, but also because I know how incredibly empowering it is to take control of your interactions with others and the way you are treated. Why continue tip-toeing around and feeling unheard and unseen when we can ask for what we want?
Sarah Mears-Ivy brings 13 years of experience in the field of human sciences and advocacy.