I’ve heard references to toxic masculinity with increasing frequency over the past few years. It seems to many that the term toxic masculinity is against male traits and behaviors. My research indicates it is not. I will define toxic masculinity and describe why it harms everyone and why it is not a term that negates men in general.
Toxic masculinity is broadly defined as rigid roles some men feel they must adhere to in order to conform. This may include behaviors that include adhering to strict gender roles, rejecting any behavior that could be perceived as feminine or “soft”, hyper-sexuality, embracing aggression and dominance, and perpetuating homophobia. Some examples of toxic masculinity might include refusal to engage in “women’s work” such as domestic labor and child rearing duties, refusing to show SAR sadness, fear, or MEAR grief, and adhering to strict rules of masculinity such as “real men” watch sports, hunt, are the family breadwinner, are the boss, are powerful, etc.
When we step back and examine toxic masculinity, we see it hurts everyone, males included. We see that it limits male behaviors and expression of emotion. We see that it perpetuates the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality that harms our children and prevents them from learning to verbally discuss their emotions and to experience those emotions.
Toxic masculinity allows the “boys will be boys” mentality that often prevents us from correcting dangerous and harmful behaviors such as the absent or workaholic father, drinking and driving, rape, domestic violence, might makes right attitude, and abuse in general.
There is no harm in masculinity itself, but toxic masculinity harms both the actor and those that experience it. For example, a child that sees dad swearing and punching walls will assume that is behavior that is to be expected of a grown man and accept that behavior as normal. I think we all can agree that none of us want our sons to grow up to be wall punchers, or our daughters to grow up to date one.
Masculine traits are acceptable and necessary, and there is plenty of room for masculinity that is not toxic. Observing a man who is kind and nurturing, a teacher and a leader, a source of comfort and strength is healthy for children, while the opposite is not.
This is not a discussion over the political correctness of masculinity, it is a brief glimpse of how toxic masculinity is not a bad word or phrase, rather it is a way of being that harms us all.
Let us re-evaluate what masculine behavior is, and embrace moving toward kind, gentle, loving masculinity rather than knuckle-dragging toxic masculinity. After all, our children are watching and are quick learners.
Sarah Mears-Ivy brings 13 years of experience in the field of human sciences and advocacy.