I love chocolate. However, I know some people—not many—who dislike chocolate. I can’t fathom not liking chocolate! If I were to give a gift of candy to one of these chocolate- haters, should I give them what I like or what they like? The Bible tells us, “In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the law and the prophets” (Matthew 7:12). We call this the Golden Rule. According to this verse I should give others chocolate because that is what I want them to give me, right? The Golden Rule seems to say, Do to others what pleases me.
That is the problem with the Golden Rule, it only considers what I want. Actually, I think we need to understand the Golden Rule at a deeper level. Perhaps we should understand it like this: I want others to understand me and treat me as I prefer, so in order to “do unto others,” I must understand them and treat them as they prefer. I shouldn’t give chocolate to people who don’t want chocolate. I should do to others what pleases them. And this rule applies in many areas of life.
The hard part in doing this is the part about understanding others. That takes empathy. Empathy is the mental ability to understand others who differ from me. Like other mental abilities, like doing math or solving riddles, the skill of empathy must be learned.
I used to teach missions at a Christian college in Minnesota. For 25 years I taught classes in Cross-Cultural Communication, and I emphasized the need for missionaries to understand others who may be different than themselves. In that class, we talked about the difference between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy, according to the book we used, requires understanding people who are similar to oneself. If someone is in a difficult or painful situation, I can sympathize with them because I can imagine how I would feel if I were in that situation, therefore I understand their desires, and feel their pain and fear. That is sympathy.
But what if others are different from me? Maybe they are from a different culture with different ideas, values and beliefs; maybe they speak a different language; maybe their life has consisted of very different experiences from my own; to use my trivial example above: maybe they don’t like chocolate. For us to communicate requires me understanding them with all of their different meanings. This requires more than sympathy; it requires empathy. It requires putting myself in their shoes, imagining their thoughts and feelings which may be very different from how I would think or feel in that situation.
Here is a contemporary example: little five-year old Liam Ramos, the preschooler wearing a cute blue hat with bunny ears, who temporarily became separated from both his parents as ICE agents came to arrest them. We all saw the pictures of him looking frightened and helpless. I think everyone who saw those pictures felt sympathy for Liam, no matter which side they were on politically. It was easy to imagine how our children would feel in such a circumstance. Perhaps, if we tried hard, we might also feel sympathy for his parents because they were also frightened and helpless. But did we feel empathy for them? Did we understand his family’s circumstances, why were they seeking asylum in our country in the first place? To really understand Liam’s family’s situation which is very different than my own situation takes empathy.
Empathy is necessary in foreign missions. Some people become missionaries who lack empathy—I have known a few—but one cannot be an effective missionary without empathy. But empathy is just as important in almost every relationship we encounter on a daily basis. Think of marriage: males and females are different in how they think and feel, therefore to be a good spouse requires empathy. Or in order to care for those who have physical disabilities which we have not personally experienced requires empathy. In other words, empathy, understanding others who differ from me, is required in almost every human relationship.
I think empathy is at the heart of what the Bible means by love. While it may be possible to love someone without understanding them, love is more natural when it involves understanding. The Golden Rule, which is a working definition of love, doesn’t work without empathy. The command to love your enemy (Matthew 5:43-45) is nearly impossible without some degree of empathy. The second Great Commandment: “love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18; Luke 10:25-37; Galatians 5:14), requires empathy for my neighbor, especially since it includes loving foreigners as yourself (Leviticus 19:33-34; Deuteronomy 10:17-19). God’s command to “love one another” works best with empathy.
There is one other reason we need empathy: wisdom. I recently published a book called “Wisdom About Wisdom,” which defines biblical wisdom. Here is a quote from that book: [Wisdom] “is an internal compass that guides us in living in relationship with ourselves, with others, and with God. Wisdom teaches us to view ourselves with humility, others with empathy and fairness, and God with fear and obedience. Putting this all together, wisdom is a better way of thinking, leading to a better way of behaving, leading to better ways of living together.”
The closest synonym for wisdom in the Bible is “understanding,” and the closest synonym in English for understanding others is empathy. Thus, wisdom is based on empathy. Biblically-based relationships need both love and wisdom. And love and wisdom need both understanding and compassion. Without understanding others, relationships will just be about me and what I want. Biblically speaking, in order to love our neighbors as ourselves, we need empathy.
Greg Giles is a published author, who, along with his wife Jean, has embraced the call to serve and teach around the globe. Their life together has included missionary work in Liberia, Bangladesh, teaching in China, and raising a family in Bemidji, Minnesota. Between global travels and local commitments, including serving as superintendent of Corn Bible Academy and their current part-time roles at Corn Heritage Village, the Gileses have found “home” in many places; yet, they now happily reside in retirement in Cordell. Please visit his website at reflections-on-wisdom.com.