Co-parenting is the act of two parents who are no longer in a relationship together raising a child or children. The purpose of co-parenting is to put the child’s needs and well-being before that of the parents, mutually raising the child while working together even though they are divorced or separated and no longer live together. The goal of co-parenting is to allow the child or children to be well adjusted, secure, and cared for using a team approach, despite the parents not living together or even liking each other.
It has been estimated that 39% of marriages in the United States end in divorce. In Oklahoma, parents who are divorcing are required to attend a co-parenting class to benefit the children. These classes usually are a few hours long and provide basic instruction as well as materials that support healthy co-parenting.
Sadly, many co-parents are unable to put aside their own egos to focus on the needs of the children. Some signs of a toxic co-parent include self-centeredness, abuse (physical or verbal, including gaslighting), controlling, manipulating, and lacking boundaries. Self-centeredness means putting that parent’s needs before that of the child. Abuse includes making threats or harming the other parent, including withholding funds or time with the child, and behaving in any way that is harmful to the other parent or child. Controlling and manipulating means doing or saying things that makes the co-parent or child feel like they do not get a say or if they disagree, they are no good. Lacking boundaries means over-sharing information with the child or infringing upon the other co-parent’s time and emotional and physical space. Sometimes, a toxic co-parent may actively work to destroy their child’s relationship with the other coparent, alienating that parent by encouraging anger toward them, over-sharing adult information with the child, refusing to co-parent effectively, making false accusations of abuse or neglect, or giving negative messages about the other parent to the child.
Imagine if you were that child, caught in between two parents you love, being told the other parent is bad or no good, being told to choose a favorite parent, or encouraged to react to the other parent so as not to upset the badly-behaved coparent. Imagine how conflicted, confused, and hurt that poor child must feel. After all, how could half of who the child is be so very, very bad?
Effective co-parents share expenses, work together to solve problems, communicate, are flexible and adaptable with visitation, support their fellow co-parent, and have the child’s best interest in mind. Their goal is to make sure that child will flourish despite the divorce or separation.
Co-parenting classes are available in Oklahoma; locally, our OSU Extension Center offers this class to parents who are separating. There are support groups available online and locally for divorcing couples, and there are therapists specifically trained to support the family as they transition from a married home to co-parenting. Lets invest in raising healthy, well-adjusted, flourishing children despite our grown up circumstances.
Sarah Mears-Ivy brings 13 years of experience in the field of human sciences and advocacy.